moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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