Your face is a jimmy john
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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