if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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