my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
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My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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