I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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