I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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