i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
