I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
