Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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