How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
