at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
