I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
