my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
