nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
