Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He passed out mid-signature
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize