it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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