I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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