Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize