Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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