I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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