smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I think i got beer on your cat.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
