I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
