last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
