Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
