my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
