Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
please don't ironically join a cult
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