Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
