Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
