Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
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you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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