I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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