What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I need to stop coming to work sober
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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