she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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