You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
