Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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