I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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