ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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