just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What a dumb baby whore.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
