In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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