Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
