i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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