I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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