she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
