the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
