Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
