Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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