I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
