just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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