I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
