Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
