so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
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