You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
