dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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