I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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