There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
