Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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