Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Randomize
