I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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