He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
