There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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