1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
