Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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