Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
